I frequently question whether or not I’m actually a good person. On social media, I tend to see a lot of very troubling conversations and ask myself, almost enraged; “Can’t these people see how needlessly aggressive they are? Can’t they just, you know, mind their own business?”
I have a lot of unkind things I want to say when I read the nonsense online, and now I just…can’t help but see that I’m not exactly lacking in aggression myself, I just choose not to play that game; that I choose to do nothing instead, and in that manner, I’m better than them for it. Of course, my ego wants me to believe that I am better, that I am more well intentioned, that I am not as manipulative, or as abusive, or as toxic as all of these “garbage people” on the internet. Of course, after thinking all of these thoughts, my inner critic tends to speak up, with the usual
“You’re no better than them, you know. You are them, or perhaps even worse than them; because you think you’re so much better.”
In those moments when I become angered by things I read, of course I’m no better, but not because I think I’m of more value, but because I’ve allowed the outside world affect me in a way that enables me to be this terribly angry version of myself. It’s wiser for me to just remember that they are coming at life from whatever system is going on that needs to cruel in these moments, and that their inner work will come for them. It’s wiser for me to just hold that space and see it as it is. I can relate. When I’m challenged, or irritated, or frustrated with how things are, I want to lecture people and tell them just how awful I think they are. It’s better to just be kind, and let people be who they are, without judgment. And that starts with me, just being me, and really striving to be non-judgmental of myself. Not to elevate myself or see myself as better than everyone, but to just see me as me, without any evaluation of my worth or value. To approach my inner dialogue as a conversation, not a lecture, and with kind advice, and not cruel criticism. It always comes down to myself, managing what I can, and being patient as I go.