A Lens for Seeing Regret
I’m human, and I’ve done more than my fair share of immature, indulgent, or toxic behaviours in my past, and if 10,000 hours of practicing something is what constitutes mastery; then I am a master of dwelling on my mistakes and berating myself for them.
Perhaps over a decade of just barely scraping by emotionally, with periodic bursts of self-hatred, brought along by current mistakes, and then compounded with many memories of similar mistakes, creating a rich, layered cake of misery.
Example of a toxic, self defeating lens I see my past, and project to the future with, is:
“You’re a fuck-up, and you’ll always be a fuck-up. Why do you even bother to keep trying if all you’ll ever do is make the same stupid mistakes?”
Just typing that makes me feel like boiled crap, because even today, I get these thoughts into my mind from time to time, and if I choose to identify with these thoughts, then I’ve lost.
What I recommend in this case is a mindset change, with regards to the lens through which you see your past (or past self). Before you read this, know that you deserve to live to your fullest, and that no matter who you are or what you’ve done, I accept you as you are. As with all things worth doing, it is challenging work to uproot your thoughts and plant new, helpful ones. The thoughts and advice here are in themselves SIMPLE, but not EASY to accept/implement:
- Others have an impression of you that can be shaped by your past. Your identity is NOT the same thing as their impressions. Your responsibility is to yourself, to be better than you were yesterday, and not to live for other people’s approval.
- You don’t have to suffer for your mistakes indefinitely. You can choose to see them as coaches to teach you lessons for the future, instead of bullies to keep you paralyzed in fear (anxiety). If you refuse to see the lesson, you will make the same mistakes, whether or not you intend to.
- Be grateful for the mistakes you have made, because they helped shape who you’ve been, and no one ever became great by having an easy time of it. You are overcoming your adversity, not coasting through life.
- Accept that you may make mistakes similar to those you’ve made in the past. It does not mean you are a failure, it means you are human. Try to refine the lesson that these mistakes are trying to teach you and keep going. If your heart is still beating, you have another chance.
Love yourself, fix what you can, and be patient with yourself while you do.