Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.
Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. VII, 56 (Gregory Hays Translation)
Every day feels the same. Or worse, every day feels mundane. I’ve lived until this point, and as much as I’d like to say that I can take what remains of my life and live it properly strikes me as a challenge, since I’ve inherited the consequences of the life I lived; the consequences of the mistakes already made. There is nothing to be rebuilt from there. It is only ashes and memories. Nostalgia and pain. I’ve done plenty of stupid things. It’s difficult to move forward, to be fully present, when the traumas are still so vivid in my mind. These things did not happen to someone else. Someone else did not create these problems. These things are my experience. My life having been lived until now.
What am I now? Am I a collection of behaviours? A five day workweek. A six day training schedule. Sleep at such and such a time. Eat at another. Chores on the weekend. Video games and social media to pass the time, or really, to keep myself from thinking about the things I am writing right now. I try my best to be functional. To stay strong, to keep from being a burden, to keep myself from being problematic. After all of this, I might even consider believing that I’ve got it all together, but that is something I’ve yet to convince myself of being true. I am always under the impression that I am just one bad day away from falling apart, and so, I just stick to my routine, which is comfortable and predictable.
If I were to hear someone else saying these things, what would I tell them? What would I tell a younger person with these same issues? What advice would I give my own child? That’s an exercise theme I’ve been considering for a while.
Here I go:
Your mistakes and their consequences always needed to have happened. Otherwise, without them, you would never have known the right from the wrong. You remember them vividly for a reason. So that you do not repeat them, not so you can be tortured by them for the rest of your life. You were only a kid back then. Hell, you’re not particularly old now. Your life is full of blank pages, full of possibilities. You have the privilege of remembering who you were, so that you know who you will not be. Some go their whole lives thinking they were never wrong about anything. They stay children while you have the opportunity to grow.
There is nothing wrong with routine, so long as you have a good reason for doing it. If you decided you were going to go driving every day at the same time and hurl obscenities at every pedestrian in the street, that might not be good for you. Sleeping at the same time; trying to be reasonably healthy; being kind to people (who sometimes don’t deserve it); and recreation (with moderation) is not something to hate about yourself. It is just the natural course of life for someone who is trying to do their best. You can’t punish yourself for mistakes you did in the past AND punish yourself for trying to do good going forward. Do your best. Fix what you can, and be patient with yourself as you do.