One of the most disempowering states of mind to live in is that of the victim.
“Someone up there has it out for me.”
“No matter what I do, something goes wrong.”
“Everyone is an asshole and is trying to piss me off.”
The last quote I mentioned is related to my previous posts, where we’re projecting a villain role onto others, such that we are being victimized by them. Finding roadblocks (whether systematic or from people) to our productivity, growth, and development can create despondence, halting action and getting us into the victim mentality. It’s very easy to get stuck there, and then never acting, because it doesn’t matter. You’re a victim, and nothing that happens to you is your fault. You loop through failure and victimhood, and before you know it, years have gone by and you’ve done nothing, because you don’t think that you have any responsibility to move forward. Everything is everyone else’s fault, right?
Sorry. No.
Yes, there are various degrees of true victims out there, people who have experienced physical, verbal, and psychological abuse. It’s important to recognize these victims. Although I have much sympathy for those who have experienced these things, there is a point at which you can no longer just push all the responsibility onto others for fixing what is inherently an internal issue. For the sufferers of abuse, healing would be a step in the correct direction. There are a myriad of communities and services online and in real life that can point you in the right direction, and help you on that healing journey. The one thing I would absolutely discourage, is to blame everyone else for every little problem that shows up in your life, while you refuse to look inside and find the solution in there. I’ll make this simple:
YOU CAN’T CONTROL PEOPLE.
You won’t ever be able to get everyone to act in such a way that your life goes just as perfectly as you’d like. Even if you manage to cultivate (manipulate) the behaviour of others, you’ll find very soon that the ultimate result is resentment, and loneliness, which is not at all what you were intending to create, which was sympathy, understanding, and community.
If you truly feel that you are being victimized, and you have a way out, I recommend taking it. There is no glory in martyrdom in this case. You can’t “fix” the challenging people in your life, especially if they are unable to accept criticism for anything they do. I will rephrase the statement about control:
YOU ARE EMPOWERED TO RECOGNIZE AND WORK ON YOUR BEHAVIOUR, WHILE SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE, AND CREATING BOUNDARIES WITH THOSE WHO BRING YOU CHALLENGES.
Fix what you can, and be patient with yourself while you do.