I know for some that might read this, that the idea may seem ridiculous. If our thoughts aren’t us, then what the f*** are they? Well, there isn’t an easy answer for that. Yes, some of it is absolutely you, but a lot is just…noise. Scripts you picked up along the way, trying to fill a void in your thoughts that you couldn’t really come to a conclusion about on your own. My experience of this comes from my family. I love them, and of course, they meant the best for me when they taught me these values, but the information was incomplete, and created the potential for allowing myself to be abused.
Patience. Kindness. Forgiveness. Generosity.
All of those are very unbelievably positive character attributes. Unfortunately, it’s missing something very critical.
BOUNDARIES.
The ability to sort yourself from the rest of the world. The ability to know what behaviour is acceptable for you and others, and knowing what information to share, and which information to take in and let influence your behaviour. This is a fairly…weak explanation and not nearly complete, but it is simple enough to get a grasp, if you yourself lack healthy boundaries.
For me, I lacked the skill of taking criticism without it threatening what I perceived to be my identity. So I started to approach the world with a perfectionist’s lens, to try and avoid criticism if at all possible. The worst criticism I could receive was an accusation of being a bad person. A person of ill intent. So I would struggle to be better, to be extra nice and generous to the person that accused me of being malicious. That knowledge, in the wrong hands, makes you very vulnerable to abusive behaviour, until you’re completely burned out just to have this person stop telling you you’re an a**hole, or a worthless piece of sh**.
The worst part, is now, I have toxic phrases bouncing around in my head.
YOU’RE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SH**
YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF.
YOU’RE JUST AN A**HOLE.
I didn’t naturally start talking to myself like that. It emerged from whatever system/person I was trying to satisfy, probably unsuccessfully. So now this voice is inside me. It sounds like me, but through much deep thought, I can separate from this voice, knowing it isn’t how I truly feel, and put in its place, perhaps, an internal dialogue that might be more life-affirming.
So what I started to realize, was that these toxic and hateful phrases, can come from very vulnerable sources, out of fear, or anger, or sadness. I realized that the mindset there is less mature, and maybe, should be considered more child-like. We don’t completely dismiss a child when they throw a tantrum, or say something uncharacteristically mean. We…show patience, and kindness, and forgiveness, and generosity of spirit. All those positive traits, but with a boundary of knowing it doesn’t need to affect me in particular, if I don’t think it has merit.
It doesn’t seem like a huge change, but it’s helping me really understand just how harsh I can be on myself, and cultivate some skills for being kinder.