“Alright”

There is something visceral about viewing and engaging with toxicity. I tend to feel a deep desire to correct an injustice, to right a wrong; and a personal stake in the outcome once I’ve started. Now that you, a reasonable human being, with compassion and kindness in your heart, wants to open up communication, you are now at the mercy of a (likely) unreasonable stranger, or perhaps worse than this, an unreasonable friend (acquaintance more likely). You might expend a considerable amount of mental energy trying to engage in discussion, only to be met with the type of response you would dread:

The particular flavour of these responses is meant to cut a civil discussion short. I interpret these comments as intentionally mean-spirited, meant to preserve the viewpoint (read: ego) of your opponent, at the expense of your provocation. Perhaps they are the type of person who thinks that the first person to become emotional loses, and rather than letting the strength of their argument speak for them, choose to manipulate you into an angry outburst, and patting themselves on the back for supposedly having proven themselves superior. They think they’re saying:

“The truth often hurts.”

but what they actual portray is:

“Look at me, I’m manipulative and anti-social. That signals intelligence for some reason.”

I’ve had many conversations like this. Memories of lost tempers, of freak-outs, storm-outs, and cold shoulders. I am not proud of the person I’ve been when I’m provoked this way. Body temperature rises, breathing is sharp and quick, with fists and teeth clenched. Ready to fight for real, fully adrenalized, and filled with regret. In person, you can see the other person’s stupid look of condescension. A tilted head, pursed lips, and a gentle squint that’s supposed to be sympathy for the loser of the debate. It’s infuriating; and the worst part is that it is not warranted. Even in the online world, you can easily imagine the same smug look extrapolated from a face in a thumbnail, and you are no less irritated by it than if they were standing right in front of you. Maybe it’s worse in that case, because a person standing in front of you is potentially punch-able. A thumbnail is inherently un-punch-able (unless you’d rather burn money for a new monitor).

Now that you’ve decided against destruction, how do you get past all this? Not easily, I’m afraid. You have already shown a lack of impulse control. Now you are knee deep in doo-doo. How do you wade out of the shit? For me, I have come up with two particularly useful phrases.

The first is used to prevent engagement in the first place, or to distance oneself from the conversation partway through:

“As long as no one is in danger, this person is allowed to be wrong.”

Justification for the first phrase is for practical purposes. Unless the individual is causing physical or psychological trauma with their opinions, it’s not worth your mental energy to participate in the discussion. This is especially true when the person is a stranger on a public forum. Some of us are just not equipped to endure the ignorance of the average person, and definitely not when that person is willing to fight about it. Just go back to scrolling your memes, man. It’s never worth the hassle. It’s better to scale back and avoid the comments altogether.

The second phrase is simply:

“Alright.”

The justification of the second phrase is a humbling one. It’s a concession, but not of the subject that you’re arguing about. It is conceding that no trivial amount of explanation is enough to get your point across, if it is even possible to convince the other person at all. It is conceding that the person you’re arguing with has (maybe valid) reasons to believe their position, and as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, then let them believe whatever (bullshit) they want. Let them even believe that you suddenly agree with them. Your tranquility is infinitely worth more than this discussion, maybe worth more than any discussion.

Now, here’s the hard part. Maybe the hardest one: Let it go.

Go take a walk. Turn off the phone. Take care of chores. Do not, however, do mental gymnastics of how you could have explained yourself better. Do not fume, thinking about how much you hate this person and how your day would have been so much better if you didn’t talk to them at all. That may very well be true, but it is not the point. Do not let the weight of negative emotion hold you down. You must find your peace with all of it. No conversation goes exactly the way we want. Sometimes they go completely sideways, leaving us dazed. That’s chaos all around us. Like a dog tied to a cart, we can either follow the path willingly, or be dragged along anyway. Try to get off the phone once in a while. Definitely try to avoid the comment sections. Absolutely do not feed the trolls who live there.