I get it. It’s hard to actually do things, because the probability of failure in something which you have very little experience is non-trivial. So we go ahead and read the blogs, listen to the podcasts.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Suddenly, BAM, you find yourself triggered by something. Maybe an off-handed comment by a co-worker, or a passive-aggressive shot taken at you by your romantic partner. How dare they talk to me that way? Only I can talk shit about myself because ONLY I KNOW WHO I AM. I’m going to express my anger and make them fix this. Cue a bunch of noise, whether that be shouting, smashing things, or God forbid, actual violence.
Or maybe on a more subtle level, that motivation to start a journaling or meditation practice you keep reading about only lasted about 5 minutes before you decided it was “completely useless” or “a waste of my time“, and then go back to numbing your senses on the internet or with video games. I’ll give you some credit, you’re at least trying to learn about some shit, but if all you do is learn and never implement, or even worse, completely dismiss everything as “impossible for you“, then you’ve wasted even more time pretending to try and be better, while allowing your EGO to convince you that you’re perfect as you are, and people should just accept that or GTFO.
If you’re anything like me, and you sort of hate yourself most of the time, then your ego behaves in an ironic way. You think you’re a piece of shit, but no one else is allowed to even criticize you without igniting your anger or have you wallowing in depression. From my own researching, the advice that I took away was this:
IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED SO EASILY BY CERTAIN TYPES OF CRITICISM, THEN IN SOME WAY, YOU CAN SEE A GLIMMER OF TRUTH IN WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.
Ultimately, this is what this blog is about for me. It’s a reminder; that only by sitting with my ego and facing criticism with curiousity instead of indignation, then I can truly shed light on my weak points, on morals and values, on things I need to create boundaries around. If I can take the jabs (internal or external) with patience and grace, I can know myself, get over myself, and actually start to implement what I need to do to start being a better me.