“Nothing great comes into being all at once; why, not even does the bunch of grapes, or a fig. If you say to me now, “I want a fig,” I shall answer, “That requires time.” Let the tree blossom first, then put forth its fruit, and finally let the fruit ripen. Now although the fruit of even a fig tree is not brought to perfection all at once and in a single hour, would you still seek to secure the fruit of a man’s mind in so short a while and so easily?” – Discourses of Epictetus, Book I, Chapter XV.
I don’t have a lot of great ambitions. I wanted to figure out how to use a sewing machine. I wanted to start learning ASL. I wanted to write in this blog at least once a week.
What do I actually do?
I spend a lot of time of social media, I play video games, I eat unhealthily, and I sleep like absolute shit. It’s unsurprising that I can’t achieve anything in particular when I’m struggling at the most basic level of time management. It’s even less surprising, then, when a certain amount of despair starts to creep over me, and I feel not only unaccomplished, but burdensome as a human being. Then my childish brain chimes in with excuses about why it is I can’t do what I ought to do, and why it’s okay to just keep doing what I’m doing, because honestly, who cares?
Obviously, I care, otherwise it wouldn’t bother me so much. If I didn’t care, the excuses I make to myself would be enough to give me sweet relief from my existential dread and I could go about my day as aloof as I’d like.
It occurred to me that I want so much so fast, and that I didn’t just want to succeed in my meager goals, I wanted them also to be expedient. If it were someone else making excuses to me and being so unreasonable, I’d be likely to roll my eyes, or at least, struggle to hold back an eye roll, but when it’s yourself, we always want to be the exception. I’m being unreasonable in my approach. What I should do is what I already know to be productive. Incremental change. Baby steps. Just DO SOMETHING. It became very obvious to me that it isn’t even success I want. It’s simply to just cross things off the list.
I wanted to fix my old phone by replacing the battery and ended up just breaking it completely. I wasn’t mad at myself. I was relieved that the task was “complete”, because I’d been hanging on to it for so long, saying I would get to it eventually. I just needed to start the task, and the momentum either takes over and I push through to completion, or at least I find myself a little further than I was before.
I don’t have to clean the whole apartment, just start with doing the dishes.
I don’t have to write a whole huge article in one sitting, just start with one sentence.
I don’t have to meditate for three uninterrupted hours, just with one minute at a time.
Progress is incremental and without end.
I’m doing okay.