In the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I’m an ISTJ. ISTJs are not inherently very emotionally adept (having our introverted feeling function [Fi] at the tertiary level), but I like to think that I’ve put a lot of energy into developing my emotional intelligence, and as such, probably have more EQ than most of those of my type. However, being in that space for any reasonable length of time is exhausting. So when I find myself in the presence of FPs (ENFP,INFP,ISFP,ESFP), I end up playing in their sandbox of introverted feeling (Fi) which is either their dominant or auxiliary function. Being a weaker expression in my personality, its default is to present itself as defensive, in the form of projecting ill-intent onto other people. When I’m hurt, it kinda sounds like this:
“He only cares about himself.”
“She’s just trying to piss people off”
“You did that on purpose!”
To some extent, we all do this, because we don’t ever really just know what’s going on in someone else’s head, but we think we’re smart, and when we’re in this space, we give too much credibility to these assertions about the intent of others. So we wallow, or we create conflict based on other things, smuggling our hurt into other facets of life where they don’t belong. Obviously, this isn’t the healthiest place to live, and there’s always a better way to go about things.
My recommendation is one of two things.
One: If the person is capable to have a mature conversation, then just find some downtime to discuss it, but don’t throw it out there if you’re fighting about something else, because then, you’re using it as a weapon. Effective communication is in my opinion, the most important thing to develop in order to at the very least, explain your emotions and point of view to people.
Two: Ask yourself: “What is it about me that makes this hurt so much?” Some things are a little more obvious, like physical or verbal abuse, which have little to actually do with you. Other times, the offense is unintentional, so in that case, what’s our problem?
If your life is not actually in danger, then shift focus on your physical/mental state.
Are you rested?
Have you eaten?
Do you exercise regularly?
Are you stressed out by other things?
If we have things on the to-do list that aren’t checked off, we’ll get increasingly stressed and thrown into emotional states because it’s a lot easier to just do nothing and feel your feelings. However, we’re still human and still have needs. Make sure your survival needs are met. Then you can take a crack at your emotional needs. By the time you have the survival part down, you might not even care about what was bothering you before.
Fix what you can, and be patient with yourself while you do.