Anyone who spends enough time with me is very familiar with my frequent existential crises. I spend a lot of time contemplating life, or rather, my own life, and whether or not it’s worth living. I think about a lot of mistakes I’ve made in my life and I frequently find myself in a mental fog of regret and self-hatred, and it’s overwhelming at times to think about how shitty I’ve been in the past. For that reason, I consider myself a fraud, because no matter how much development I do, there’s always that little voice inside that assures me that none of it matters.
“You’re a piece of s***. you know that? You’ve always have been, and you’ll never be more than just a worthless piece of s***.”
Sometimes it’s just a whisper. Sometimes it’s screaming loudly in my head. Who the f*** am I to give people advice when I don’t even have my own life in order? When half of the time, I’m thinking about the prospect of an early death? I’m no one important. I’ve lost some good friends over the years because of just…being selfish, or neglectful, or outright toxic. Maybe I’m just a fraud, an imposter, saying the right things to get the right response. Sometimes I believe the stuff I’m saying. Sometimes I’m just saying it because it’s the right thing to say. Does it matter? If the advice is good, then it shouldn’t matter if I can’t follow it perfectly. I know I’m great at giving myself unrealistic expectations, but that’s just the kind of person I’ve been. It’s been a hard road being realistic with myself, because it forces me to really criticize everything I’ve ever done, am currently doing, or am planning on doing in the future. My inner parent is starting to get fed up with my attitude. I am fighting myself on a daily basis, jumping between being passionately motivated and suicidally depressed, and it’s exhausting.
I’m only really writing this so that if someone is feeling the same way, they truly know they aren’t alone, and that it can be okay. That they shouldn’t stop fighting. That people care. You don’t have to seek out sympathy. Just remind yourself of the people who love you without questioning. Let them know you appreciate them. It’s Christmas time, after all. Give the gift of gratitude.
If you made it to the end of this rant, I’m sorry it’s so scattered, but that’s just how my mind is going right now.
Take Care. Be patient with yourself. It’s going to be alright.